literature

Things to remember in the USA

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Literature Text

Some things I must remember if/when I visit the USA (according to movies, TV and comic books)

1. Never ever go to the rural areas. I have nothing against rednecks, but getting chainsawed, mutilated, tortured and buggered just isn't my thing.

2. It would also be wise to avoid shopping malls and other places with lots of people. You can never know when turban wearing foreigners and other nasty people decide to go on a bombing and hostage taking spree.

3. Avoid large buildings. They tend to be attacked by terrorists too, when they aren't being destroyed by aliens, meteor showers, superhero/villain brawls and other "accidents".

4. Actually, you should only go to the average stores, not the big stores or the small corner stores. Big stores tend to get robbed and small corner stores tend to be owned by people who own something the local nasty wants. Usually the owners are friendly and know martial arts, but I don't want to take changes with street thugs, gunmen and the occasional ninja when I'm trying to buy something.

5. Never go to bars or clubs, for obvious reasons. Broken bones are not worth the drinks.

6. When you see any crimes involving superhumans being committed, get the hell away from there. And don't bother with waiting for the cops to arrive, because they usually don't show up and if they do, they usually are of no help.

7. When disasters happen, stay close to dogs and other cute animals and children. You are then effectively invulnerable.

8. When you see the army show up, get the hell away from there. This is not just for the obvious reasons, because who wants to get crushed by tank wreckage, when the army is eventually wiped out by whatever they were going against.

9. No alleys. Let's just leave it at that.

10. Never go to the toilet. I probably don't have to say anymore about this, do I?

11. NO CAMPING! Isolation, needlessly sharp objects and hockey masks just don't mix.

12. DON'T take a taxi, unless you happen to be suffering from depression.

13. NO SEX. Because, for some unexplainable reason, people who are hell-bent on committing murder can sense if you have gotten jiggy with it recently. This, inexplicably, tends to drive them berserk and help track YOU down for mutilation, humilation, disembowelment, skinning, tanning, taxidermy, boiling, mashing and sticking to a stew, as well as various other arts and crafts.
Just some stuff to remember for later.

EDIT: Added some stuff.
© 2007 - 2024 Mikkoman
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Decarabia69's avatar
Oh, and don't forget - if you're ever a camp counselor in the forest, don't take a shower alone, but don't have sex either! You'll catch either a machete or an axe. :)